Disciplining Children and Adolescents - Have Parents Lost the Skill? (Part 1)

A generation or two ago when your parents asked you to do something, you usually did it without discussion. Taking out the garbage, cleaning your room, being in on time, getting that part-time job were some of the many requests by a parent that weren’t challenged by children. Discipline is defined as: Develop (children's) behaviour by instruction and practice; especially to teach self-control; "Parents must discipline their children". The belief is that parents have a duty and obligation to help their children understand that they need to listen to adults, follow instructions and orders, under most circumstances.

When the teacher says it’s time to come in for recess, they don’t give you a choice. When the hockey coach says it’s time to do conditioning, they won’t ask your child what they think about it, or give them a choice. When your child arrives for their first job, there will be expectations of being on time, dressing appropriately, following the code of conduct, and having a work ethic. They won’t ask your child what they think about it. In the military the officer in charge won’t ask the infantryman or woman if they would consider ducking as shots are being fired. It is expected that when asked, the individuals will comply or face possible death. 

Parenting today is more difficult than ever, because of the many misconceptions of the role of a parent in our society. My goal, by presenting you with this series of newsletters, I-tunes podcasts, and online webinars, is to help you better understand positive tools that you can use to develop the tone of discipline necessary to do your job as a parent. Let me begin with a simple discussion of the different levels of decision making in a home, school or any business.

Level 1 Decisions: You are the adult and you make the decision, demand compliance with no discussion or negotiation. It is necessary for children to understand this concept. You are the boss, and many things that 5-year olds must do are not negotiable. Go to the dentist, go to the doctor for an immunization shot, go to church or synagogue, and go to bed when you say, and so on.

Level 2 Decisions: You make the decision in the end, but ask for input where that makes sense. Children must know beforehand that you are asking for input, but that you will make the final decision.

Level 3 Decisions: Your teen or child makes the decision and must face the benefits and consequences of their actions. An example may be making a decision to spend their allowance on a toy, but then not having any money left to buy a present for a sibling’s birthday. You don’t bail them out. They learn by the consequence of the result.
I realize that “discipline” isn’t a very popular topic among health care providers and some psychologists. The belief is that children should have the same power as their parents, decide what they do daily, and that the parent should be their “friend”. I disagree.

I look forward to speaking and writing to you over the next few weeks on this important topic.